GUIDE TO SASQUATCH FEST
The Dos and Don`ts
I did the math and was both proud and frightened to realize I’ve spent almost three weeks of my life attending the Sasquatch Music Festival in rural Washington State. I’ve danced, drank, took psychedelics, and got laid - occasionally all at the same time with that stunning backdrop of the Gorge, framing my memory. But as the grey hairs expand from my temples northward, and I assume the role of elder statesman (also referred to as creepy old guy) I decided it would it be magnanimous of me to share my accumulated knowledge with the masses. So, while other website will give the must see performances and try and influence you towards proper audio choices, here at LATER. we will give you questionable advice to be filtered and used at you own discretion.
The beauty of the Gorge is that it’s in the middle of nowhere. This buffer of American miles and lack of modern comforts tend to keep the Affliction T-shirt / bleach blonde crowd to a minimum, but also means that supplies need to picked up prior to your arrival. The campground is in a field that goes on forever. Bring as much as you can pack into your vehicle. The idea of a collective helps - one BBQ for your crew, shared shade tents, tables, etc. There are showers, apparently, although I’ve never seen them. If hygiene is a concern, might I suggest renting an RV? This isn’t Coachella. The beautiful people are few and far between, so be ready for baby wipe showers and beef jerky breakfasts.
BOOZE AND SUCH
For the Canadians making the trek south, the first stop over the border will be the liquor store. I’ve seen many people make the mistake of loading up on Busch, which is impossible to gain a buzz off and will just lead to unwanted trips to the honey buckets (Quick note on the buckets: they are cleaned every morning, so the best time for biznass time is when you first get in the festival gate). For people coming from California and other states, keep in mind Washington has some of the priciest liquor in the country. I’d never suggest sneaking in booze, but if that’s your thing, individual crystal light packets and water bottles full of vodka create a tasty cocktail. Girls, don’t be afraid to borrow your busty friend’s bra and make some vodka boobies with sandwich bags. And fellas, it’s a fun party trick to squeeze a suntan lotion bottle full of whiskey into your mouth in front of strangers. If you are looking for drugs, don’t be the hero that tries to smuggle it over the border or across state lines. Find the guy with the appropriate band T-shirt:
Weed: Lumineers Shirt
Mushrooms: Edward Sharpe shirt
MDMA: Empire of the Sun shirt
Acid: Primus 3D shirt
Coke: Steve Aoki shirt
Meth: How the fuck did you afford a ticket?
WHAT TO WEAR
This really depends on the weather forecast. I’ll repeat myself: This is NOT Coachella, so don’t worry about making it on any fashion blogs. Wear something you don’t care about losing or wrecking. If your crew wants to wear matching hats or team shirts, have at it. If you and your buddies think it will be “fucking hilarious” to wear skintight bodysuits, it’s not funny and you will look an asshole. Sunglasses rarely last the duration of the weekend. When estimating how many pairs to bring, follow this equation:
(Number of drinks per day) X (drugs consumed per day) = Number of shades you need
It’s usually around 10. For example, if you’re drinking a bottle of booze while high on acid and mushrooms, well, that equals a shit load of sunglasses.
Lastly, be prepared for the crowds. People are going to budge in line, hit on your girlfriend or boyfriend, spill sticky booze on your bare feet, and invade your personal space to tell you what a “fackling wawsome teme” they’re having. They’re also going to lend you their pump for your air mattress, give you their last smoke (when all you want in life is a smoke), and warn you what honey buckets to avoid. Like any festival, the positive energy you put in is the positive you’ll get out.
One last thing. If you’re planning to sneak in, make sure it’s going to be successful. I’ve seen people do it, but I’ve also seen people get caught, beat up, locked in a dog cage for eight hours, and charged with trespassing. Just sayin’.